Blogs are strange. Sometimes we write because we want record of what was going on in life at that particular time. Sometimes we write because we simply need to get things off of our chest. Well, this is one of those "venting" moments.
I am angry. I am frustrated. I am sad that 2011 has turned out to be what I hope and pray is the hardest year of our lives.
Is that fair? No. I realize I am blessed beyond my worth.
I am calling myself out though. I am being selfish. Just for this one moment.
We had what was supposed to be the most beautiful moment in our lives thus far with Miller coming into this world on July 6th. She truly is a godsend in my life, and I feel like I now have true meaning being on this earth. One can't explain until you become a parent. #coolestfeelingintheworld
It also has been the hardest four and a half months that has ended with broken hearts and shattered souls.
My new tattoo...I HATE CANCER!!!
I feel like I need to be peeled up off the ground and shaken to realize all of this really did take place since July 6th.
As you know from previous posts, we lost Jim's grandfather 11 days after Miller was born.
Jim's mom lost her battle with leukemia on October 22nd.
To say I am broken from the passing of Jim's mother is inadequate. She was downright the kindest, most gentle and supportive person I had ever met. We need her here. Miller needs her. She fought tooth and nail, spent 8+ hours a day getting treatment, was in remission and ultimately couldn't overcome one of the side effects from her transplant.
This one will take a while to even comprehend let alone start healing.
A relative came up to me at her service in Houston, and explained this phrase "New Normal."
She had lost her mother in the past year, and was kindly trying to help with our feelings.
I left the conversation intrigued by that phrase.
Do I like our "new normal?" Absolutely not.
I need time to reflect, heal and figure all of this out.
Do I "believe?" Yes. I do believe "all things happen for a reason."
I am just a battered soul that needs time to heal. I am always living in the moment, but life may be a bit slower while I take time to forgive you know who for all of this.
Selfish? Yes. For the first and only time in my life...I promise :-).
