Blogs are strange. Sometimes we write because we want record of what was going on in life at that particular time. Sometimes we write because we simply need to get things off of our chest. Well, this is one of those "venting" moments.
I am angry. I am frustrated. I am sad that 2011 has turned out to be what I hope and pray is the hardest year of our lives.
Is that fair? No. I realize I am blessed beyond my worth.
I am calling myself out though. I am being selfish. Just for this one moment.
We had what was supposed to be the most beautiful moment in our lives thus far with Miller coming into this world on July 6th. She truly is a godsend in my life, and I feel like I now have true meaning being on this earth. One can't explain until you become a parent. #coolestfeelingintheworld
It also has been the hardest four and a half months that has ended with broken hearts and shattered souls.
My new tattoo...I HATE CANCER!!!
I feel like I need to be peeled up off the ground and shaken to realize all of this really did take place since July 6th.
As you know from previous posts, we lost Jim's grandfather 11 days after Miller was born.
Jim's mom lost her battle with leukemia on October 22nd.
To say I am broken from the passing of Jim's mother is inadequate. She was downright the kindest, most gentle and supportive person I had ever met. We need her here. Miller needs her. She fought tooth and nail, spent 8+ hours a day getting treatment, was in remission and ultimately couldn't overcome one of the side effects from her transplant.
This one will take a while to even comprehend let alone start healing.
A relative came up to me at her service in Houston, and explained this phrase "New Normal."
She had lost her mother in the past year, and was kindly trying to help with our feelings.
I left the conversation intrigued by that phrase.
Do I like our "new normal?" Absolutely not.
I need time to reflect, heal and figure all of this out.
Do I "believe?" Yes. I do believe "all things happen for a reason."
I am just a battered soul that needs time to heal. I am always living in the moment, but life may be a bit slower while I take time to forgive you know who for all of this.
Selfish? Yes. For the first and only time in my life...I promise :-).
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Long. Deep. Breaths
Long. Deep. Breaths.
That is what has gotten us through the past two months. I have never in my life been more thankful for an amazing husband, giving family, life-saving friends and now my daughter.
We have seen life literally come full circle.
Jim's mother had a bone marrow transplant on July 1st. We were so thankful that a donor came through quickly as she was diagnosed with leukemia in January. That is pretty rare. Doctors call it your "BIRTHDAY" because you are literally brand new! The actual transplant is fairly simple. It is the process that comes afterwards that is gut-wrenching for the patient. I am so proud of my mother-in-law, and know that this little one is what pushes her through the daily treatments, tests and trips to the hospital.
We had two other BIRTHDAYS on July 6th! Jim's grandmother turned 79, and Miller Arrington Kite made her debut.
It would be abnormal for something to go as planned in our lives :-). It is how we live. It is why we love our lives. Nothing is ever planned! It is always like a live television event in our house. We flew home from Houston the night of the Fourth, and my water broke very early the next morning. I was in denial though, and went back to bed. I was only 35 weeks. I mean I would have contractions soon after if it was "time" right ;-)? Jim and I did very little reading beforehand simply because I did not want any more stress than pregnancy already puts on your body. I wanted to "go with the flow." Well, that turned into a real life "nothing ready, no hospital bag, unwashed hair" event!!
I was scheduled to have an ultrasound that same morning before hopping on my flight to Pebble Beach, California for work. I wanted to make sure Miller was still a happy, healthy bean in there. Well, she was tired of Delta, television trucks and in flight movies. My doctor looked at me, laughed out loud and said "You are going to have a baby today." I looked at my calm mother, anxiety-filled husband and just giggled. This had to be a joke. It was what I call "organized chaos" after that.
Jim went to find a camera (yes, we didn't have one yet), feed the dog (doc said it would be a bit before baby got here) and my mom and I went to Target to buy whatever you would put in a hospital bag (no idea.) We then grabbed lunch, and checked in all while in labor. Oh, and had to call work to let them know about Miller's unexpected arrival.
After 2 epidurals, allergic reactions to that and penicillin along with many other funny moments that I will leave to your imagination (whew) I had my beautiful and sweet daughter in my arms. Honestly, I was in utter shock.
You know those "live-saving" friends I was telling you about? Yep. Ashlee, Jacques, Kindle & Devrim. I have to tell you they are undoubtedly what got us through the untimely arrival of lil' bit. They brought everything we needed, went to our house to set up our "pack-n-play" and washed all of Miller's clothes. We will never be able to repay them for what they did that week.
While embracing all of the wonderful emotions of Miller's arrival, Jim's grandfather was in another hospital down the street. Jim was bouncing between us, his grandfather and his mother at yet another hospital. My heart was aching for him, and his exhausted self. He always kept smiling though.
People keep asking how we came up with Miller's name. She was named after her great-grandfather, Jimmy Miller.
We sadly lost him on July 17th. Watching someone take their last breaths will shock your soul. It breaks my heart because he never got to meet Miller. Jim gave such a beautiful eulogy at his service. I am so proud of that man I call my husband. His strength has been uplifting.
The highs and lows on this summer-long roller coaster have been an experience.
We are back though, and it is go time! I have 3 more weeks before returning to work, and we are getting prepared for the road. That is right. Miller is touring in Raleigh, Miami, Jacksonville and Charleston. I am oddly excited because we get to take a little road trip together. I was hesitant before she got here, but now know all that matters is that we are together.
My heart is completely fulfilled by my daughter. She is kind, sweet and I love when she wakes up in the middle of the night because I get to look at her. Who needs sleep when you have something as angelic as this to hold?
I can't wait for her to take on the world! She is a special one. I can already tell ;-).
That is what has gotten us through the past two months. I have never in my life been more thankful for an amazing husband, giving family, life-saving friends and now my daughter.
We have seen life literally come full circle.
Jim's mother had a bone marrow transplant on July 1st. We were so thankful that a donor came through quickly as she was diagnosed with leukemia in January. That is pretty rare. Doctors call it your "BIRTHDAY" because you are literally brand new! The actual transplant is fairly simple. It is the process that comes afterwards that is gut-wrenching for the patient. I am so proud of my mother-in-law, and know that this little one is what pushes her through the daily treatments, tests and trips to the hospital.
We had two other BIRTHDAYS on July 6th! Jim's grandmother turned 79, and Miller Arrington Kite made her debut.
It would be abnormal for something to go as planned in our lives :-). It is how we live. It is why we love our lives. Nothing is ever planned! It is always like a live television event in our house. We flew home from Houston the night of the Fourth, and my water broke very early the next morning. I was in denial though, and went back to bed. I was only 35 weeks. I mean I would have contractions soon after if it was "time" right ;-)? Jim and I did very little reading beforehand simply because I did not want any more stress than pregnancy already puts on your body. I wanted to "go with the flow." Well, that turned into a real life "nothing ready, no hospital bag, unwashed hair" event!!
I was scheduled to have an ultrasound that same morning before hopping on my flight to Pebble Beach, California for work. I wanted to make sure Miller was still a happy, healthy bean in there. Well, she was tired of Delta, television trucks and in flight movies. My doctor looked at me, laughed out loud and said "You are going to have a baby today." I looked at my calm mother, anxiety-filled husband and just giggled. This had to be a joke. It was what I call "organized chaos" after that.
Jim went to find a camera (yes, we didn't have one yet), feed the dog (doc said it would be a bit before baby got here) and my mom and I went to Target to buy whatever you would put in a hospital bag (no idea.) We then grabbed lunch, and checked in all while in labor. Oh, and had to call work to let them know about Miller's unexpected arrival.
After 2 epidurals, allergic reactions to that and penicillin along with many other funny moments that I will leave to your imagination (whew) I had my beautiful and sweet daughter in my arms. Honestly, I was in utter shock.
 |
| Ready or not, I'm here! |
 |
| My life |
You know those "live-saving" friends I was telling you about? Yep. Ashlee, Jacques, Kindle & Devrim. I have to tell you they are undoubtedly what got us through the untimely arrival of lil' bit. They brought everything we needed, went to our house to set up our "pack-n-play" and washed all of Miller's clothes. We will never be able to repay them for what they did that week.
While embracing all of the wonderful emotions of Miller's arrival, Jim's grandfather was in another hospital down the street. Jim was bouncing between us, his grandfather and his mother at yet another hospital. My heart was aching for him, and his exhausted self. He always kept smiling though.
 |
| Going home! |
 |
| My version of "putting myself together :-)" |
People keep asking how we came up with Miller's name. She was named after her great-grandfather, Jimmy Miller.
We sadly lost him on July 17th. Watching someone take their last breaths will shock your soul. It breaks my heart because he never got to meet Miller. Jim gave such a beautiful eulogy at his service. I am so proud of that man I call my husband. His strength has been uplifting.
The highs and lows on this summer-long roller coaster have been an experience.
We are back though, and it is go time! I have 3 more weeks before returning to work, and we are getting prepared for the road. That is right. Miller is touring in Raleigh, Miami, Jacksonville and Charleston. I am oddly excited because we get to take a little road trip together. I was hesitant before she got here, but now know all that matters is that we are together.
My heart is completely fulfilled by my daughter. She is kind, sweet and I love when she wakes up in the middle of the night because I get to look at her. Who needs sleep when you have something as angelic as this to hold?
 |
| In one of mommy's old outfits! |
 |
| Love my daddy! |
I can't wait for her to take on the world! She is a special one. I can already tell ;-).
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
The In Between
I am floating in a different world right now, and the only phrase I can come up with to explain it is "The In Between."
Sleep Consistency
There are some nights when I crash by 9 and sleep solidly until morning. There are also nights that I check in at midnight and am up at 5:00am doing things such as cleaning out the attic or booking flights. Yes, my life is pretty exciting :-).
When will she be here?
We are also not set on a due date. I know it is rare that you deliver on the exact date, but our lives are so hectic right now that it would be somewhat nice to have a closer answer than July 30th OR August 12th. Long story as to why this is, but I am either 30 or 32 weeks along.
Heads up to all of my high school classmates. Let's pray I don't go into labor on July 30th at my high school reunion! It would make for a pretty good story though, and we will be right down the street. No, I did not coincide the venue and Vanderbilt to be within blocks of each other :-).
Walk or jog?
I have been very fortunate in that I have been able to run the entire pregnancy. I am just now starting to "run/walk." Most of you know that is very hard for me to give into, but she tends to let me know when to take a breather...she has really, really long legs :-).
Fly or drive?
This is the doozy. I have a couple of work trips in July that I "could" drive to, but my doctor keeps saying fly away! Most of my friends have been shocked by this, but the stress is not a factor since it is my lifestyle. I can't decide. Is it easier to take an hour flight home, or split up a 300 mile drive? Either way, Jim will be with me...just.in.case!
Work-Plan A or Plan B?
Ha! There is no plan! This one is really scaring everyone :-). I am pretty type A, so the looks are priceless when I tell people that we have no plan. I have always been self employed, so no FMLA maternity leave there.
I have decided throughout this entire process to ride the wave. I've read a little, but not too much. We have been to a couple of classes, but not overwhelmed ourselves. I read a lot about the worry and anxiety of soon-to-be mothers, and don't want that surrounding me. I am thankful I have been able to enjoy this journey, and I simply can't wait to see how this entire experience changes me as a person.
I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I wasn't sure if it would happen for me because I did not know if I would find someone who lets me be myself, love my crazy career and completely support all that I do. I found him 10 years ago, and he snuck back into my life when we were both ready :-).
This is the first time in my life that I am not so sure what is going on, but I am okay with that. This is big for me. I may finally be growing up :-).
Sleep Consistency
There are some nights when I crash by 9 and sleep solidly until morning. There are also nights that I check in at midnight and am up at 5:00am doing things such as cleaning out the attic or booking flights. Yes, my life is pretty exciting :-).
When will she be here?
We are also not set on a due date. I know it is rare that you deliver on the exact date, but our lives are so hectic right now that it would be somewhat nice to have a closer answer than July 30th OR August 12th. Long story as to why this is, but I am either 30 or 32 weeks along.
Heads up to all of my high school classmates. Let's pray I don't go into labor on July 30th at my high school reunion! It would make for a pretty good story though, and we will be right down the street. No, I did not coincide the venue and Vanderbilt to be within blocks of each other :-).
Walk or jog?
I have been very fortunate in that I have been able to run the entire pregnancy. I am just now starting to "run/walk." Most of you know that is very hard for me to give into, but she tends to let me know when to take a breather...she has really, really long legs :-).
Fly or drive?
This is the doozy. I have a couple of work trips in July that I "could" drive to, but my doctor keeps saying fly away! Most of my friends have been shocked by this, but the stress is not a factor since it is my lifestyle. I can't decide. Is it easier to take an hour flight home, or split up a 300 mile drive? Either way, Jim will be with me...just.in.case!
Work-Plan A or Plan B?
Ha! There is no plan! This one is really scaring everyone :-). I am pretty type A, so the looks are priceless when I tell people that we have no plan. I have always been self employed, so no FMLA maternity leave there.
I have decided throughout this entire process to ride the wave. I've read a little, but not too much. We have been to a couple of classes, but not overwhelmed ourselves. I read a lot about the worry and anxiety of soon-to-be mothers, and don't want that surrounding me. I am thankful I have been able to enjoy this journey, and I simply can't wait to see how this entire experience changes me as a person.
I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I wasn't sure if it would happen for me because I did not know if I would find someone who lets me be myself, love my crazy career and completely support all that I do. I found him 10 years ago, and he snuck back into my life when we were both ready :-).
This is the first time in my life that I am not so sure what is going on, but I am okay with that. This is big for me. I may finally be growing up :-).
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Rockstar Mothers
The most unappealing part of my job is that I miss some very important days with our families. It is something that weighs heavily on my heart when deciding where to direct the future of my career.
I love what I do. I work in television which is what I grew up aspiring to do. I also have "some" flexibility with my schedule being freelance. The best part about it is that I get to travel to amazing places. It takes its toll, but I know I will look back and feel even more blessed than I do now.
As you can see, I am sad that I am not in Nashville today with our "rockstar mothers."
Therefore, I have to tell you all about them.
My mom. Speechless. How she is still standing after raising me and my 2 brothers I do not know. We were a handful, and that is putting it mildly. She and my dad put their souls into giving us every opportunity they could to become successful, independent adults. She now is the ultimate babysitter to her grandchildren, therapist for my breakdown moments and my best friend. My relationship with her now is why I am so excited to have a daughter.
My mother-in-law. Angelic. I am so thankful for her, and the life she leads. She also reared a pretty good son :-). She instilled so many wonderful qualities in Jim. Their relationship is uniquely tight, and I love how much Jim truly cares for his mom as well as his entire family. I am so lucky to have such a supportive mother-in-law. She is a true gem.
Both of these woman are AMAZING! They are the strongest I know, and are epitomes of the kind of mother I hope to be. Beauty and kindness fill their hearts, and they both continue to teach me and Jim daily without even knowing it.
Happy Mother's Day to all.
I love what I do. I work in television which is what I grew up aspiring to do. I also have "some" flexibility with my schedule being freelance. The best part about it is that I get to travel to amazing places. It takes its toll, but I know I will look back and feel even more blessed than I do now.
As you can see, I am sad that I am not in Nashville today with our "rockstar mothers."
Therefore, I have to tell you all about them.
My mom. Speechless. How she is still standing after raising me and my 2 brothers I do not know. We were a handful, and that is putting it mildly. She and my dad put their souls into giving us every opportunity they could to become successful, independent adults. She now is the ultimate babysitter to her grandchildren, therapist for my breakdown moments and my best friend. My relationship with her now is why I am so excited to have a daughter.
My mother-in-law. Angelic. I am so thankful for her, and the life she leads. She also reared a pretty good son :-). She instilled so many wonderful qualities in Jim. Their relationship is uniquely tight, and I love how much Jim truly cares for his mom as well as his entire family. I am so lucky to have such a supportive mother-in-law. She is a true gem.
Both of these woman are AMAZING! They are the strongest I know, and are epitomes of the kind of mother I hope to be. Beauty and kindness fill their hearts, and they both continue to teach me and Jim daily without even knowing it.
Happy Mother's Day to all.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Those Moments
I love life!
I can't say I am happy with the outcome of every experience, but it truly is amazing when you sit back and reflect.
I have always been a very deep and emotional person, and do not deal well with the word "end."
I had a rough time leaving high school, leaving University of Georgia, leaving New York...basically "ending" a chapter in my life is not easy for me.
I have had a very blessed life thus far, and that is why I never want things to "end."
There have been bumps, minor and major, but I know I am a very "rich" person for having been through those experiences.
What I do deal well with are my favorite moments in life. The very few that just take your heart away.
No one could have prepared me for what I felt when I saw "Baby Girl Kite" during the ultrasound.
The pregnancy so far has been unreal! I have been so blessed that for 24 weeks I have not had one episode of nausea. Honestly, I have been so busy at times I forgot I was pregnant. I keep telling "Baby Girl Kite" how well she is behaving. She knows mommy is on the road :-).
Therefore, it did not hit me until March 30th that "this is real."
I laughed. I cried. I laid there in silence. I was in awe of what was inside me. I swear she waved at us as well.
I think I used all of my minutes and texts that day telling everyone how pretty she is. Jim just laughed at me, and jokingly told me to stop telling people that. She is pretty cute though :-).
I needed that moment.
"Those Moments" come so rarely that you forget how precious life really is...
This is not the "end" of 7-8 months of traveling each year, or the "end" of Jim and I doing whatever we want (when we are actually in the same city ;-)).
This is the "beginning" of something beautiful.
I am not sure I can wait until August to meet her.
I can't say I am happy with the outcome of every experience, but it truly is amazing when you sit back and reflect.
I have always been a very deep and emotional person, and do not deal well with the word "end."
I had a rough time leaving high school, leaving University of Georgia, leaving New York...basically "ending" a chapter in my life is not easy for me.
I have had a very blessed life thus far, and that is why I never want things to "end."
There have been bumps, minor and major, but I know I am a very "rich" person for having been through those experiences.
What I do deal well with are my favorite moments in life. The very few that just take your heart away.
No one could have prepared me for what I felt when I saw "Baby Girl Kite" during the ultrasound.
The pregnancy so far has been unreal! I have been so blessed that for 24 weeks I have not had one episode of nausea. Honestly, I have been so busy at times I forgot I was pregnant. I keep telling "Baby Girl Kite" how well she is behaving. She knows mommy is on the road :-).
Therefore, it did not hit me until March 30th that "this is real."
I laughed. I cried. I laid there in silence. I was in awe of what was inside me. I swear she waved at us as well.
I think I used all of my minutes and texts that day telling everyone how pretty she is. Jim just laughed at me, and jokingly told me to stop telling people that. She is pretty cute though :-).
I needed that moment.
"Those Moments" come so rarely that you forget how precious life really is...
This is not the "end" of 7-8 months of traveling each year, or the "end" of Jim and I doing whatever we want (when we are actually in the same city ;-)).
This is the "beginning" of something beautiful.
I am not sure I can wait until August to meet her.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Drum Roll Please....
Welcome one, welcome all! I have been wanting to create this for a while now, but the blogging world is pretty overwhelming. It takes time, and that is something that I know for many is not readily available. One usually creates time when there is a need. I have finally created that time because there is a "pretty big something" about to change my life.
Meet my future DAUGHTER!
That's right..I am going to be a MOM!
I want to take you on this journey with me.
Why? Two reasons.
I need you cyberspace, friends and followers to teach me along the way.
AND
My goal in everything I do is to help another, and that I hope I can do for someone else now or down the road.
I only got a glimpse of "HER" yesterday when Jim and I found out at our doctor's appointment our 21 week old "BEAN" is a "SHE!"
It was surreal. It was amazing. I can't wait to tell you all about it in my next post.
For now, Jim and I are making room for the next piece in our life's puzzle.
Meet my future DAUGHTER!
That's right..I am going to be a MOM!
I want to take you on this journey with me.
Why? Two reasons.
I need you cyberspace, friends and followers to teach me along the way.
AND
My goal in everything I do is to help another, and that I hope I can do for someone else now or down the road.
I only got a glimpse of "HER" yesterday when Jim and I found out at our doctor's appointment our 21 week old "BEAN" is a "SHE!"
It was surreal. It was amazing. I can't wait to tell you all about it in my next post.
For now, Jim and I are making room for the next piece in our life's puzzle.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)