Blogs are strange. Sometimes we write because we want record of what was going on in life at that particular time. Sometimes we write because we simply need to get things off of our chest. Well, this is one of those "venting" moments.
I am angry. I am frustrated. I am sad that 2011 has turned out to be what I hope and pray is the hardest year of our lives.
Is that fair? No. I realize I am blessed beyond my worth.
I am calling myself out though. I am being selfish. Just for this one moment.
We had what was supposed to be the most beautiful moment in our lives thus far with Miller coming into this world on July 6th. She truly is a godsend in my life, and I feel like I now have true meaning being on this earth. One can't explain until you become a parent. #coolestfeelingintheworld
It also has been the hardest four and a half months that has ended with broken hearts and shattered souls.
My new tattoo...I HATE CANCER!!!
I feel like I need to be peeled up off the ground and shaken to realize all of this really did take place since July 6th.
As you know from previous posts, we lost Jim's grandfather 11 days after Miller was born.
Jim's mom lost her battle with leukemia on October 22nd.
To say I am broken from the passing of Jim's mother is inadequate. She was downright the kindest, most gentle and supportive person I had ever met. We need her here. Miller needs her. She fought tooth and nail, spent 8+ hours a day getting treatment, was in remission and ultimately couldn't overcome one of the side effects from her transplant.
This one will take a while to even comprehend let alone start healing.
A relative came up to me at her service in Houston, and explained this phrase "New Normal."
She had lost her mother in the past year, and was kindly trying to help with our feelings.
I left the conversation intrigued by that phrase.
Do I like our "new normal?" Absolutely not.
I need time to reflect, heal and figure all of this out.
Do I "believe?" Yes. I do believe "all things happen for a reason."
I am just a battered soul that needs time to heal. I am always living in the moment, but life may be a bit slower while I take time to forgive you know who for all of this.
Selfish? Yes. For the first and only time in my life...I promise :-).
Chelsea:
ReplyDeleteThis year has been unbelievable for you and Jim. As a family, you have experienced the extreme highs and the extreme lows. I am amazed that Jim and you have not just collapsed. Yall are amazing. Most people could not even survived 1/10th of what yall have endured.
I know we are not to question....but sometimes you can't help not to question. The only comfort I can give you is....is to hang on to each other. I know that Miller needs both of you and Yall need Miller, too. She will help get you thru the sad times and she will bring yo so much love and happiness that your heart will fill like it is exploding.
It breaks my heart that Mrs. Kite did not get to enjoy being a grandmother. She would have been a fantastic Grandmother. And Mr. Miller would have been a fantastic Great Grandaddy. But I know that the 3 of you have some very special angels watching over you.
I don't blame you that you don't want to get use to a new normal...but you have no choice. Your lives changed forever with each passing and the birth of your little angel.
Just know that yall have lots of people who love and care about yall. We will be here to support you in anyway possible.
Love yall forever,
Aunt Karen